Sunday, August 9, 2009

Everybody Gets One.

This is my angry ranting post. As the title suggests, everybody gets at least one. I've been trying really hard over the last few months to stay positive about all the changes in my life, and about everyone else's reaction to them. But there are a few things that really piss me off and it's one of those things that you just have to get out of your system one way or another or they'll eat you up. Writing has always been a great outlet for me so I thought why not put it on your blog.  So for those of you still reading, welcome to the inner depths. I've spent far too much time keeping my thoughts to myself, and I'm exhausted and utterly through with being timid.



There were a few people very close to me who I really wanted to read this blog. I'm about 99.9% sure that they aren't anymore. Which doesn't really make me angry, it is just hurtful to me. I am attempting to bare my soul in this blog. I'm going to talk about extremely personal and painful experiences and those closest to me are turning away and refusing to get to know the person I've become. They want to remain on the comfortable "common ground" we've been standing on for years. What common ground? The fact that we've been friends for years but have never had a serious conversation because it made one of us uncomfortable? The fact that we're family? I'm sorry, and maybe I'm asking too much, but that isn't enough for me. I refuse to maintain superficial, safe, comfortable relationships and take no steps to strengthen or grow. That isn't what this life is for. This life is far too short to be content with the easy road.



And that's another thing. How dare anyone say that an atheist is taking the "easy way out." You don't know how hard it is to come to terms with your own mortality and push on. You don't know the pain that comes with realizing that this life is all you have and to look back on how much you've wasted when you could've been living. You don't understand how much it hurts to lose someone when there is no god to comfort you. No afterlife to imagine them in. No "better place." Life was a lot easier for me when I was religious. I could try to hand it all off to god, surrender everything up to a power greater than myself. I don't have that anymore. I have to rely on whatever strength I have within myself, and sometimes, it's not much at all. And that's just the way it is. Life beats you down but you take it in stride and go on. Learning and growing and appreciating life more with every blow.



I don't want to paint atheism as this abysmal portrait with nothing to hold on to or look up to. The beauty of nature and science are so much more beautiful to me now. To look at the human body and mind and understand how we evolved and grew and adapted over time is amazing to me. To look at any flower or tree and realize what it has had to fight against to go on astounds me. This world, our very existence has been the underdog in a battle against time and the forces of nature and we have survived. Everything that exists today has competed against some other force and won. Nothing is more inspiring to me than that. It is exhilarating to learn about new sciences and technologies that are emerging every day. Things that have been discovered, nurtured, and brought to maturity by the power and ingenuity of the human brain. And there is nowhere I would rather be than right here, this moment in time, being true to myself and living my life to the fullest.

I am tired of being dismissed as a "good person" simply because I declare myself an atheist. I know that most people in my life disagree and probably absolutely abhor how I've chosen to identify myself. They don't understand and the thing that really gets me is that they have absolutely no desire to understand. It's like every decent, human quality I've ever had vanished the moment I uttered the words, "I don't believe in god." I'm not trying to change anyone's mind. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. I wasn't tricked, or lied to, or decieved. I chose this. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But being true to yourself can sometimes be painful. But is it worth it? Absolutely.

I came to a point in my life where I felt I had to choose between my own happiness and well-being, and the happiness of those closest to me. I knew that someone was going to be hurt. For many many years it was me. I wouldn't trade my journey for anything in the world. Maybe I'm being selfish, expecting people to hear me out. Maybe I'm misguided in my attempts to find deeper and more meaningful bonds in my relationships. Shawn Colvin said it best in her song Trouble, "It's really hard to make your peace. So give me some credit for the hell I've paid. This world's a blessing and a beast every day."

I just feel like I want to be heard and understood as cliche as that sounds. And those who I thought would support me and love me no matter what have shown me exactly how conditional their love really is. They would rather sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing significant has happened. Nobody wants to talk about anything real or meaningful. And I don't understand it.

Enough woe is me rambling on. Goodnight.